Venting Letter - So F-ing Tired!

Sleep escaped me again last night. I tossed and turned and slept that awful twilight sleep, hearing all the shooting on Black Ops and the Art of War was deafening. I guess you didn't hear I had a migraine? Maybe you don't know it makes me sensitive to light and sound and makes my stomach in knots. I'm glad you had a good time last night. I support anything you decide to do so long as it is something different from before. I stayed up with you later than I should, later than I told you I would since you seemed so interested in talking to me and even held my hand and kissed me, albeit somewhat restrained. So from 1am to 4:30am I slept. When I couldn't sleep anymore I got up thinking I could sleep in if I got my work done early. As soon as I sat down at the computer you jumped in to bed and taking it over and snoring so loudly I have not slept since... I now suffer in silence. Why you do this when you know I have to get up early I just don't understand. You say you care about me, you stopped saying you love me a month ago when I told you I was leaving, but your actions are so indifferent, so uncaring. I'm so tired. So tired of feeling like I constantly inconvenience you when you aren't all that f-ing helpful to my life. I work my butt off taking care of you. I have since even before your accident. Coming over on weekends bringing groceries and cleaning up. Since you accident - dropping everything to be by your side, spent endless amounts of money on clothes and food and gas and anything else you needed. Driving you to work and back - taking 6 hours of my life on just that to come home and cook you a meal and wash your dishes. This was our home, yes it was yours first but it became ours when we worked together. Discord came in the shape of your step brother and Ours became Yours. He also showed me a side of you I didn't think existed... and created doubt where once there was none... You talk about him but then spend hours with him - do you do the same to me? You never give a straight answer anymore, always appear to be hiding something (always your feelings) and I'm not sure how I can be with you without trust. It is the one thing I always counted on - your honesty. You tell me you need time and I give it to you but then you don't appear to be happy of course you aren't happy when it takes a little longer to give you that time either. I can't win. I'm tired of trying. All I want is something simple. The same I give you - honesty, trust, respect, love, affection and some f-ing SLEEP!

Fearful

Tearing at the seams
Fraying at the edges
My heart is breaking
There is no stopping
I tried just pausing
But it is inevitable
Grief always engulfing me
Eyes brim with tears
Its just too much
My mind is spinning
Try to make sense
Of all the loss
And the many reasons
For this pain again
It never really ends
Unsure when it began
Wish it never was
Mind in constant confusion
Heart swollen with pain
Cant stop this feeling
Losing all that's sane
Angry, sad and hurting
Fearful, broken and ashamed
That you no longer
Love any of me
And your brilliant smile
Is all for show
Until I am gone
Then you will leave
And I'll be alone
But will it be
More lonely than now?

Change

Moving out and moving up
To the second floor
From one shoebox to two
More space less heart.
Hopeful it will work out
Doubts pick away incessantly
Don't forget us when you are gone
You laugh when people say that
"Like I could forget"
But distance doesn't always make the heart grow fonder
Just more remote
Less opportunity to make you smile or laugh
Or to remember why we ever loved at all
Or that we loved.
Each photograph or souvenir is filled with memories
Yet memories fade as new ones are made
And time stops for no love
No matter how great it once was.
You can tell me it will be better this way
I will believe you for now
It's the only way to feign the smile
You want to see on my face.
But once it is all done
We will see one for one
How this decision will play out our fate.

Doubt

Feeling melancholy
My mind is wandering where it probably shouldn't -
Tightrope walking while looking down.
So much to do, so much to keep me busy
And yet that little voice inside is getting louder
"Do not ignore me, hear what I say!"
I hear it fine but don't have the time or make the time
To feel what those words make me feel.
Keep pushing, keep working and try not to stop
Until I am so tired I can't think, let alone hear my little voice.
My voice makes me sad to think on you.
Watching you sleep and feeling so much of one thing
Ignoring waking hours to keep that feeling alive.
It pains me to admit feeling less than fulfilled
Less than loved, cherished or respected.
Sometimes it happens when love starts growing older
Sometimes there are periods when it all feels - just colder
And since now is one of many times frost has biten
My heart wants to know will you be here when the snow melts?

Move

You are stuck in an apathetic state
Which tightens the noose
around your heart.
You smile with tears in your eyes
That "it's ok"
'Cause you're out of touch with the pain
And dumb with numb.
World passes you by
You complain why'd they all do THAT again?
But my question to you is why don't you
DO something different?

Change

So easily you seem to make what felt so right feel so wrong. 
Your stare - ice cold, eyes void of the light and my 
heart feels nothing but fear
Not the love & warmth your once bright eyes brought -
The caress it felt at your laugh. 
I wonder am I really worthy of this stare and lack of care? 
What lies swim in your mind to change you so?